How Connecting with Deeper Pleasure Can Change Your Life
written by Dr. Valerie Rein
Pleasure… What do you feel in your body as you read this word? What do you not feel?
What if I told you that experiencing more pleasure can change your life?
I’m not talking about more vacations and spa trips—I love them, as we all do. I’m inviting you to expand your capacity to feel more pleasure in everyday moments—inherently enjoyable ones, neutral, and even aversive experiences.
Over the decades of working with women as a psychologist, I’ve observed that most of us encounter challenges in the pleasure domain. I discovered the root cause at the intersection of the science of epigenetics and history.
Let me tell you a story. A group of mice in the lab were introduced to the smell of cherry blossoms while being zapped with mild electric shocks. These mice were then bred. Their children and grandchildren, when exposed to the smell of cherry blossoms, showed a strong fear and anxiety reaction. This is the insight into intergenerational trauma that epigenetics research offers us.
The following insight is from history. For millennia, under patriarchy, women have been oppressed. When they reached for the cherry blossoms of what they authentically desired – loving who they love, being heard and seen, making their own money, and impacting the world—they suffered traumatic consequences much more severe than mild electric shocks.
This intergenerational trauma still lives in our systems. Although we’ve come a long way toward gender equality in the short few decades, our biology hasn’t caught up to our opportunity. As we color outside the lines of what historically has been allowed for women, our subconscious interprets it as unsafe and drives our nervous system into a fight, flight, or freeze response. It is so automatic and chronic that we don’t realize it’s happening. This state of stress is so familiar and normal we don’t even recognize that we’re stressed. I’ve termed this condition that has been passed down to us from previous generations Patriarchy Stress Disorder (PSD).
So, as you can see, if you have trouble sleeping, slowing down to smell the roses – or coffee, delight in playing with the kids, or melt into toe-curling orgasms – this is not your personal issue. It is collective. It is generational. And the good news is – we can heal PSD!
I’m about to hand you a key that unlocks pleasure. Ready?
Here it is: To feel pleasure, we need to be relaxed. To be relaxed, we need to feel safe.
When we’re not feeling safe in our bodies – because the subconscious is running the PSD “cherry blossoms = danger!” programming – the head is the only safe place to be. As a result, we tend to hang out in our heads lots more than in our bodies. And so we are a lot more familiar with the idea of pleasure (that next vacation spot looks lovely!) than the actual experience of it. It’s the difference between eating a scrumptious meal and licking the menu.
It’s not our failure. It’s our inheritance. And we get to heal and transform it! This transformation unlocks the levels of joy, pleasure, and freedom beyond what we —or our ancestors—could access before. That’s why I refer to the journey of healing PSD as the journey of “how good can it get?” – for us, our families, communities, those we impact with our work and the world.
Ready to get started?
I present to you my spin on mindfulness practice which I call Pleasure Mindfulness.
Studies on mindfulness suggest that this practice helps us experience pleasant experiences as more pleasant and unpleasant experiences as less unpleasant.
If you want to shift from licking the menu to enjoying a delicious meal – play with pleasure mindfulness and see what delightful ripples it sends through your life!
How to Practice Pleasure Mindfulness
Start by noticing any experience that gives you pleasure at this very moment. It could be feeling a smooth, warm cup of tea in your hands. It may be stepping outside and feeling the sun on your skin.
Now, experience this moment through all five of your senses as best you can. How does it look, sound, feel, smell, and taste? Engage for at least ten seconds. Give your system the time it needs to imprint the experience in your internal reference library.
From there, ask yourself, How can I enhance this pleasurable experience? There are two ways to do it:
Grant yourself permission to experience more pleasure. What more could you take in with this moment? How long can you stay here? What else do you notice?
Adjust something in the moment to make it more pleasurable. Is there a shift you can make in your chair to get more comfortable? Would it feel good to take a deeper breath or drop your shoulders? If you’re in the shower, adjust the water temperature until it’s exactly right. Tune your music to the exact volume you want. Get closer to the things you want to see in more detail.
As each adjustment makes your experience more pleasurable, continue to soak it in for ten more seconds. When you begin to develop an awareness of what is pleasurable, you can create “pleasure triggers.” What textures and scents appeal to you? What sights and sounds hold your attention?
As you identify the common objects and elements that you enjoy in your daily life, you can use them as sensory amulets: They become touchstones that help you practice anchoring your awareness in pleasure and receive the nourishment it brings on demand.
The Progression of Pleasure
We start the pleasure mindfulness practice with experiences that are naturally pleasurable. Now, let’s go a step further and turn our attention to neutral experiences. Is there something pleasurable you can find in getting the mail? Bring your awareness to how you feel in your body as you walk to the mailbox. You might notice that your feet feel particularly comfortable in your shoes or the light is shining in a way that gives you pleasure. Maybe you enjoy the texture of the paper in your hands. You can bring pleasure to mundane moments and enhance your experiences following the same steps.
When we have developed our practice and skill of bringing pleasure to neutral experiences, we can bring pleasure mindfulness to unpleasant experiences. Perhaps being in a dentist’s chair makes you feel nervous and uncomfortable. You can bring your attention to the sensations that increase your comfort: Maybe the temperature of the air is pleasant, or the sensation of your back being supported by the reclining chair, or you may enjoy the minty smell and taste of the mouthwash. By bringing awareness to any sort of pleasure in the midst of an experience that’s not inherently pleasurable to you, you can shift from a stress response to a relaxation response, from contraction to expansion, from survival to thriving.
It is important that you’ve built the “muscles” that enable you to shift from “unsafe” to “safe” before you can shift from “safe” to “pleasure” – and “more pleasure.” The more we practice, the more we calibrate our inner radar to track pleasure in everything. This has a domino effect that allows us to not only experience more pleasure in the moment but to expect pleasure. For example, when we expect a “yes” response to a proposal, even if it ends up being a “no,” it’s more likely to land for us as “not yet” or “something even better is coming” – and it doesn’t take the wind out of our sails. This also trains us to consciously adjust our experience in the direction of asking and receiving more and making requests that create greater pleasure.
In other words, pleasure can transform your life.
Dr. Valerie Rein is a psychologist and women’s mental health expert. To learn more about Dr. Valerie’s work and to order her book, visit drvalerie.com.
Parts of this piece were condensed and excerpted with permission from Patriarchy Stress Disorder: The Invisible Inner Barrier to Women’s Happiness and Fulfillment by Dr. Valerie Rein, others exclusive for Liberty Road.
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