“What I Learned When My Life Went Into Smoke.” Nikól Rogers on Finding Herself after a Massive Midlife Change
written by Stacey Lindsay
Every year proves interesting for everyone, no matter how little or much seems to be happening. Still, some are filled with such immense change that they forever stand out in our lives.
This was the case in 2013 for Nikól Rogers.
After “carefully crafting” her life filled with marriage and a robust career, she says it all disappeared “into smoke” that year. What was left was her searching—for her identity, purpose, heart, and self. It was painful, but instead of running from the gravity of it all, Nikól leaned in and listened to what she describes as “the call”—a voice encouraging her to slow down, meditate on her desires, and reclaim herself. “This call was bringing me back,” she says, “back to myself, back to my inner wholeness, and back to trusting my instincts and decisions.”
Nikól writes candidly about this wild year in her book, 13: One Woman’s Sacred Journey to Reclaiming Her Power. A spiritual guide focused on helping anyone find the light in the darkest of times, the book also acts as a reminder that unexpected change may be intensely hard but also holds deeper nudges toward beauty.
As we are all on the precipice of a new year, we asked the empowerment coach and author how we all can find the courage to seek deeper meaning in midlife, free ourselves from feeling stuck, and listen to that voice within.
Chatting with Nikól Rogers
In your book, you write, "I had spent decades carefully crafting my career, marriage, persona, and friendships. But as I watched the life I had built disappear into smoke, I finally heard the call and stepped into the experience of 13." What is "the call" and how did all this unraveling help you find your truth?
The call for me was a voice that came up the day after my husband said to me he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to be married or have children. I was in immense shock, yet I heard this distinct voice that said, "You need meditation." At the time, I remember thinking that would probably be a very good idea as it looked like I was about to lose my marriage and my ability to have a family. The truth was, at that time, I had no tools around my mind. My first career was as a professional stage performer, and I never knew how to deal with the loud inner critic that told me over and over I had to be perfect and wasn't good enough. I had tried all kinds of addictive ways to drown out the inner critic, which didn't work, but I had no concept of how to really move through challenges or create some inner peace.
This voice that led me to meditation was wise because it was that journey of seeking meditation that led me to Zen, reclaiming faith in my life, and having a spiritual practice again. And following that voice gave me the tools and support to walk through the most difficult year of my life and emerge stronger, inspired, and have the vibrant life energy to create a whole new beginning.
As for "13," this is a sacred journey to your greatest power. It can feel like a bonfire, but what is slipping away or going up in smoke is allowing you to create what you desire from the ashes. It's a divine storm, and the destruction that occurs makes way for the creation of what you want most.
Numbers anchor your book. Why are numbers so important to you—and why 13, specifically?
I always knew the book would be called "13", in reference to the year this all occurred and the fact it happened over 13 months. But what was such an amazing discovery was diving into the history of the number. When I started to research the meaning of this number, beyond the usual horror movies and superstitions, I found the number was actually very feminine. The number pointed to female power, to female cycles, and to female magic. Knowing that so much of my journey was shedding a very masculine and patriarchal way of being, this really spoke to me. I followed this thread and decided to base the book on numerology and how numbers can be sacred symbols in our lives.
I knew the book would have three sections, so then it was just a question of what my other two numbers would be, and as I was deep in learning Qi Gong at the time, I turned to their ancient system and found the numbers 2 and 7 pop forward. I had this concept arise in me around bringing numbers back to their original intention, just like my story was about coming home to my original self, which is one of wholeness. Since "13" had been mangled into something it wasn't, I wanted to bring it back home, along with any other number that the patriarchy has hijacked as unlucky, evil, or mumbo jumbo.
I deeply believe we are all seeking to return home, especially as women, since we have historically been told not to. When we reclaim our power, then we return home to our original purpose as women. We are really sacred vessels of magic—just like the number 13.
We’re heading into a new year, which stirs up ideas of change and beginnings. How can those of us in midlife start to unlock our power in 2024?
Midlife can bring so many challenges, but the first step is to do what you can to drown out any toxic messaging around what "midlife" even means outside of an actual number. The amount of advertising money made from telling women they are "too old" needs awareness. Once there is awareness, then you are in a place of choice, and you can start to surround yourself with other women and support systems who believe this is a golden time of life filled with new possibilities.
After you have created a support system and drawn boundaries on media and advertising that is toxic, you now have the space to start to feel what you want. This can begin with some embodiment practice, where you can relax your nervous system and come into your body by connecting with your breath. Once you are inside, ask yourself, What do I want to create this year?
You're looking for a feeling of expansion in your body or a kind of warmth in your heart and your womb area. This is where your power lies as a woman. It's in your desire, and connecting with that is radically effective.
Say we are feeling stuck or scared: How can we move forward? What are some tools to help us do things—be it our routines, jobs, or lifestyles—differently in 2024?
The key to getting unstuck is first admitting you are feeling stuck. Then, you bring loving and very warm approval to this feeling. You can even imagine bringing the sensation of this stuckness down into your womb area and wrapping it in a blanket or warming it at a fireplace. Imagine wrapping it with love. And if you feel like there is no love to give there, draw up maternal energy from Mother Earth. Once you feel some warmth and relaxation, ask this part of you that feels stuck, "What do you need?" Listen to what this part says, and pay attention to any images or symbols that come up. This part that has felt stuck has been trying to get your attention and is the wisest part of you. When you can give this part what it needs, you will move forward.
Let's say you feel stuck around your job. When you ask this part what it needs, it says, "Creativity." Then, you can take a moment to ask what that could look like or what it means. It may mean you start to infuse more creativity into your current job, or you start to look into other pursuits that feel more creative and use more of your artistic spark.
Ultimately, you have the answers within you, and they are personal to you, so trust what arises and take your next steps based on what you discover.
In all that you learned about yourself in your year of loss and discovery, what do you want other women to know about finding themselves and their worth? What are you most passionate about passing along?
When I feel most stuck, I know I am not allowing myself to feel the full range of my emotions and feelings. Energy is literally stuck in my body, so I will use Energy Medicine to move it and then go through a process very similar to what I shared above. Approval has to be the first step in any journey to our power as women. We've been shut down for so long that we have to unlearn these patterns and replace them with what brings us back to where we are, how we are actually feeling, and what is most important in our lives.
After I went through my 13, the driving teaching that led me to write this book is that you are whole. This is your natural state. You don't have to work for it, prove it, or earn it. You were born this way. Wholeness means you are filled with a rainbow of feelings, from excited to scared, loving to hostile. And all your feelings are pointing to your life energy. They are pointing to your desires and to returning home to your natural state. We are not broken as women, but we have been conditioned to believe the opposite. When we can view our challenges as sacred portals of discovery, then we are claiming our wholeness and claiming our right to live. And not just live but also create a life beyond our wildest dreams.
When we can see that we are actually limitless and full of magical action, then we are unstoppable, and we will pass that on to every woman we meet.
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Nikól Rogers is a speaker, writer, and empowerment coach. You can order her book and learn more at nikolrogers.com and @Nikol_Rogers.
Interview and article by Stacey Lindsay, exclusively for Liberty Road.
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