Why Chianti Lomax Says “It's Okay to Live Your Life as a Rough Draft”
written by Stacey Lindsay
“Perfection is overrated.”
Spend just a few minutes with Chianti Lomax, and several things become clear: She's determined and joyful and suffers no old stories about what women should do in this life. The author, positive psychology practitioner, and women's coach sees the stories around her and chooses to write her own. "We don't recognize how much of our decisions are influenced by our belief system," says Chianti, whose new book is Evolving While Black: The Ultimate Guide to Happiness and Transformation on Your Own Terms. "What I recognized for myself and what I want other women to know is when it comes to this mind chatter and the belief systems we have, so many of those don't even belong to us."
Chatting with Chianti Lomax
In your book, you share about your start in becoming a certified positive psychology practitioner. You write that when you were in class, you looked around and thought how Black and Brown women needed this work. How did that experience shape your mission today?
That was in 2015, and I had become obsessed with the idea of using my strengths and values to create a life that I enjoy and love and can be proud of. But when going through that program, I would have tears because it was the first time I started working through my internal things—things I didn't even know I needed to address. I come from a southern Black culture where you don't talk about things. You sweep it under the rug and move on. So, when I was in class, I felt my soul opening. I started to see parts of myself that had been dormant or that I was hiding from; I felt like I was healing in real-time, and I thought about my siblings, my friends, all of us who have been holding things inside. I wanted all of us to have the language and freedom to talk about it.
Again, that was 2015 and 2016, so things have changed since, but at that moment, it felt like an area we hadn't broached as a community. I wanted to be a messenger to start spreading this information that will allow us to start building generational joy and healing. These things felt far-fetched for people who look like me because we've been so focused on survival.
We are in a time when self-reflection and introspection are more widely discussed. What do you believe we gain from self-reflection?
We say this in the South: In order to get to the fruit, you got to know the root. You must know what's happening to change anything in your life. You have to understand the current picture. I tell people all the time that if I wake up every day feeling drained, sad, and hopeless and don't take time to put a magnifying glass on what's happening, how do I change that feeling? So, for me, this idea of building greater self-awareness gives you the data and the information you need to figure out what drains you and energizes you. It allows you to think, How do I create my own version of joy? It also helps you understand how you are contributing to unhappiness in your life or career or the demise of your relationships. Self-awareness puts you in the driver's seat and allows you to actively participate in creating your life.
I'm thinking of the woman who might be on the precipice of making a great change and feels scared, even stuck. Maybe she is going through a divorce, becoming an empty nester, or leaving her 30-year career. What would the practitioner and coach in you say to her?
I would ask her: What would happen in the next year or two if nothing changed? Then I would ask her: What would you gain if you went a little deeper?
What's funny is a lot of my coaching clients over the past couple of years, even though I am not married with children myself, many women who are going through transition, specifically with marriage or careers, have been drawn to my work. I have been surprised by how many married women have been drawn to my work, and it's because so many of them had never given themselves permission to be anything other than mom or wife. So, when I talk to those women, the question is always: What would you gain? And many of the responses are peace of mind, courage, or boldness. And I tell them the truth. The fear doesn't go away. What happens is you close the gap between how fast it takes you to move and create the change. You learn to befriend the fear and do it anyway, and you recognize that often, the fear of the unknown is just that: the unknown. But if you take one step closer, you become more familiar with yourself; you become friends with yourself.
It's all about learning how to befriend yourself and understanding that you can trust yourself and your intuition. The fear will be there regardless of whether or not you make a move. But you can think: What's on the other side of all these things I don't know? What can I gain from it? That typically tends to help people take the first step—and the first step is what matters.
You write about how you came to own your first home, and it gutted me because you did not even think you could own a home—and then that shifted. So many of us can relate to those small ideas about ourselves and self-limiting beliefs. What do you want women to know about this?
One is to be introduced to the idea that they exist. I think many times, we don't recognize how much of our decisions are influenced by our belief system. Learning that in my positive psychology program opened up a whole new mental gate. I was like, Oh, sh*t—that makes a lot of sense! What I recognized for myself and what I want other women to know is when it comes to this mind chatter and the belief systems we have, so many of those don't even belong to us; they were put on us by the environments we grew up in—from our parents, grandparents, even our friends. Our belief systems are how we navigate life, and they influence our identities. So when we recognize this and how some of these systems don't even belong to us, we start to think, Am I really living my life the way I want to? Am I making these decisions because I truly believe it or because someone told me to believe it? Asking why has shifted how I show up in the world. And I have seen it help other women in how they show up in the world. It is literally putting a microscope on these belief systems that you have around any area of life, whether it's community, finances, marriage, social relationships, womanhood, and just really starting to ask yourself, Do I really believe this? And where did it come from? That is the start of looking at these limiting beliefs and creating a life that is authentic to who you are.
You asked your grandmother what she would tell her younger self, and I want to flip that on you. Considering all that you've done, from being raised in a single-parent household to founding your companies and helping women find themselves, what would midlife Chianti now tell her 20-year-old self?
Ooh, that's a great question! No one has asked me this. Coming from where I come from, I had to create a version of myself that I thought was acceptable and perfect. I had to be this and that because I wanted people to know I was worthy. So now, I would go back and tell myself that perfection is overrated and it's okay to live your life as a rough draft. Just keep working at it.
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Chianti Lomax is an international speaker, certified coach, transformation strategist and certified workplace mindfulness facilitator. She is passionate about changing the conversation around mental health in communities of color. You can learn more about Chianti and order her book here.
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